After the week which I had last week, I was down to say the least. As Drew, my trainer commented to me as I left they gym…I could see a hopeless binge coming on. (Don't worry, there was not one, just a baggie of popcorn and chocolate coating Sunday night with Murph.) I was pretty sad when I thought about it all, the insurance company declining my claim after I had met everything and then simply having a very stressful week with practicum, students and meetings. Revisiting the church which I believe the Lord is prompting me to join the song, "Great is Thy Faithfulness" was sung. I did not plan on crying through the entire song, it just happened. The eyes welled up and then secretly poured down my face I just seemed to let them say what my heart was feeling to God. I just let them come, unashamedly. I am starting to learn, that this is me…the girl who is not inhibited about my expressions. I am not dancing at the gym for show, it is for me…pure joy about being able to achieve the gains I have. Same at church…the tears are between me and God, they were saying what my words could not.
Later that day, I wrote two grants, neither of which may have any result, but all I know is that I have done my part, wrote the grants. I hope that things will happen from them. I did get a chance to go and hang with Murph on Sunday night and just spend time with my sweet dear friend. She reminded me of me, when I snapped my leg. Just sitting there, rocking her favorite films. How I remember days filled with Monty Python, Bridget Jones and Return to Me. It was nice to be able to share my walker with her and other items because I do not need them anymore. God has been faithful to bring me through this season of my life.
Monday morning before Zumba with Betsy, I had a melt-down. I started crying mid-protien shake. As I finished blending it all together, I told her I was now unsure what to do...something I had worked so hard for and with diligence got scrapped...I was having difficulty coping and just knowing where to go from this point…continue to lose more? (Almost impossible at this point) Or do I maintain where I am at? Then, I got a phone call. I am not sure if this is one of those life altering calls, but I do know that God is Faithful! Fox 4 Problem-Solvers contacted me because they had heard of my story and the denial from health insurance. A dear friend of mine took the time to make some phone calls on Thursday of last week to have the media involved…I had no idea about it! I was interviewed for about an hour and a half on Monday afternoon and they are going to possibly film again tomorrow. I simply shared my journey, my amazing family and friends along with the support which they have given me. I told about the car accident, weight loss and how I was always the overweight child growing up. I explained about living life and fulfilling the dreams which I have for myself but setting new goals for me to overcome and meet as the future progresses. Linda, my interviewer and Kevin, the cameraman were shocked in hearing it and so friendly about all the situations I had been through. There were moments of major embarrassment with a few questions, dating…yeah, not really Linda; not at what I weighed, and still it is an area which is very difficult for me. What about the skin…oh man…this is what it is all about…the chrysalis of skin and the body I am trying to shed to emerge the as a butterfly. I am sure I will be humiliated to see it on television, but that is not really me, it is a shell hiding the new me.
BCBS has a claim manager whom I have spoken with multiple times throughout the past two weeks. I made her aware that I am moving to a second level appeal and that I wanted to appear before a panel and have my case heard. I got a fax with all of my letters which they had sent in addition to being able to compose questions to ask my panel to answer before I appear. Maybe I should have been a lawyer…or could this possibly be why I am one of the district union delegates…I am not fearful of taking on a case and making a point of an issue which is unjust. Sounds a great deal similar to my goal of a Phoenix…I will rise from the ashes. I am rather nervous…I feel as though I am preparing for one of the largest battles of my life at the moment…irony because at 27, I know that I have many more larger battles to fight in my life…intrigued to know what the Lord as in store if this is what my 20's has been. I had to go through all of this once with my car accident, the young man, the hospital and my medical bills getting paid off…but this strikes home on a different level. I am believing that, "though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, your rod and your staff they comfort me." I know that YOU are always with me Lord and that just when I am worried that this battle will not happen, you step in and carry me along where I physically cannot pass.
Only God knows the outcome of my trials, but I can do my part and show up. It is not the size of the dog in the fight, but the amount of fight in the dog. As John Paul Jones once was quoted before battling the British, "I have not yet begun to fight." Bring it on…you have no idea what I am capable of.
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