Great is Thy Faithfulness…

After the week which I had last week, I was down to say the least. As Drew, my trainer commented to me as I left they gym…I could see a hopeless binge coming on. (Don't worry, there was not one, just a baggie of popcorn and chocolate coating Sunday night with Murph.) I was pretty sad when I thought about it all, the insurance company declining my claim after I had met everything and then simply having a very stressful week with practicum, students and meetings. Revisiting the church which I believe the Lord is prompting me to join the song, "Great is Thy Faithfulness" was sung. I did not plan on crying through the entire song, it just happened. The eyes welled up and then secretly poured down my face I just seemed to let them say what my heart was feeling to God. I just let them come, unashamedly. I am starting to learn, that this is me…the girl who is not inhibited about my expressions. I am not dancing at the gym for show, it is for me…pure joy about being able to achieve the gains I have. Same at church…the tears are between me and God, they were saying what my words could not.

Later that day, I wrote two grants, neither of which may have any result, but all I know is that I have done my part, wrote the grants. I hope that things will happen from them. I did get a chance to go and hang with Murph on Sunday night and just spend time with my sweet dear friend. She reminded me of me, when I snapped my leg. Just sitting there, rocking her favorite films. How I remember days filled with Monty Python, Bridget Jones and Return to Me. It was nice to be able to share my walker with her and other items because I do not need them anymore. God has been faithful to bring me through this season of my life.

Monday morning before Zumba with Betsy, I had a melt-down. I started crying mid-protien shake. As I finished blending it all together, I told her I was now unsure what to do...something I had worked so hard for and with diligence got scrapped...I was having difficulty coping and just knowing where to go from this point…continue to lose more? (Almost impossible at this point) Or do I maintain where I am at? Then, I got a phone call. I am not sure if this is one of those life altering calls, but I do know that God is Faithful! Fox 4 Problem-Solvers contacted me because they had heard of my story and the denial from health insurance. A dear friend of mine took the time to make some phone calls on Thursday of last week to have the media involved…I had no idea about it! I was interviewed for about an hour and a half on Monday afternoon and they are going to possibly film again tomorrow. I simply shared my journey, my amazing family and friends along with the support which they have given me. I told about the car accident, weight loss and how I was always the overweight child growing up. I explained about living life and fulfilling the dreams which I have for myself but setting new goals for me to overcome and meet as the future progresses. Linda, my interviewer and Kevin, the cameraman were shocked in hearing it and so friendly about all the situations I had been through. There were moments of major embarrassment with a few questions, dating…yeah, not really Linda; not at what I weighed, and still it is an area which is very difficult for me. What about the skin…oh man…this is what it is all about…the chrysalis of skin and the body I am trying to shed to emerge the as a butterfly. I am sure I will be humiliated to see it on television, but that is not really me, it is a shell hiding the new me.

BCBS has a claim manager whom I have spoken with multiple times throughout the past two weeks. I made her aware that I am moving to a second level appeal and that I wanted to appear before a panel and have my case heard. I got a fax with all of my letters which they had sent in addition to being able to compose questions to ask my panel to answer before I appear. Maybe I should have been a lawyer…or could this possibly be why I am one of the district union delegates…I am not fearful of taking on a case and making a point of an issue which is unjust. Sounds a great deal similar to my goal of a Phoenix…I will rise from the ashes. I am rather nervous…I feel as though I am preparing for one of the largest battles of my life at the moment…irony because at 27, I know that I have many more larger battles to fight in my life…intrigued to know what the Lord as in store if this is what my 20's has been. I had to go through all of this once with my car accident, the young man, the hospital and my medical bills getting paid off…but this strikes home on a different level. I am believing that, "though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, your rod and your staff they comfort me." I know that YOU are always with me Lord and that just when I am worried that this battle will not happen, you step in and carry me along where I physically cannot pass.

Only God knows the outcome of my trials, but I can do my part and show up. It is not the size of the dog in the fight, but the amount of fight in the dog. As John Paul Jones once was quoted before battling the British, "I have not yet begun to fight." Bring it on…you have no idea what I am capable of.

Trust in the Slow Work of God...

Consider it all joy when you face trials, because through trials you gain perserverance, which builds character which creates hope. And hope does not disappoint us. - Life Verse...

On Valentine's Day, I got my answer from health insurance. No. My denial prior to this was conditional to three things, lower BMI, extra skin hanging below a certain point and rashes. All three which I had to have documentation of. Lost more weight...check. Extra skin...doctor examination revealed it hung below the line it should...check. Rashes...No. I wash myself daily, sometimes two or three times depending on what I did or just being in NO,LA. Got the response back. Under your prior denial the circumstances have changed, you have met your criteria. However, there is an exclusion...cannot be skin from weight loss. SERIOUSLY!?

Needless to say tears flowed yesterday while I talked with the woman on the phone...they were quiet tears, I am not a hyperventilator crier. I listened as she said, "on a personal note, I am very impressed by your journey and you are much healthier now. On a business note, we cannot help you."

My story and struggles are not the same as everyone elses, I know this. Not everyone has had the journey of my life which I have. It was a dream crusher to say the least. I have worked for over five years to achieve this point only to meet your criteria to get an exclusion. Screw cupid, the health care system has broken my heart, not love.

Today seemed to remind me much of last year in many ways. It was difficult to go to work and it was even harder to pretend to be joyous, spread cheer and optimism. As I told our school psych as we walked the hallways...fake it til I feel it. (Mantra of teachers everywhere.)

My students then asked about it during math which was right after my principal had just come in and presented on goal setting..."Miss Meyer, did you meet your goal, do you know yet? We don't want you to leave us, but do you get surgery?" This was a great segway into if you do not meet a goal that you set up for yourself, do you quit?

I explained to my students what I could not meet the timeline which I had set for myself, but it did not mean that I would never reach my goal. I explained that when you have a setback that you cannot control, one simply re-evaluates how they would like to approach the situation and then change the way you accomplish your goal. I told them, my goal was to get out of college in 4 years, I broke my knee and changed colleges, it really took me six. Does that mean that I was not to accomplish my goal? No, just that the timeline was not mine. This really helped the kids because we talked about when they want to accomplish something, they need to think about is it a goal...something you can control or a desire...something you want, but have no control over the outcome. My desire was to have health insurance pay, they said no.

My goal is the same, I have worked very hard to finish my masters, and become an amazing educator while losing weight. My goals, the thing I CAN CONTROL, I still do control. I think they got it. Who know, they may have been there thinking "Sweet! I just sidetracked my teacher after the principal was here for 15 minutes of math!!!!"

As my wise godmother, Laurie told me this past summer over lunch together, "...trust in the slow work of God." It is not that the time is moving quickly, because it is, it seems slow to us because of our society wanting immediate gratification now. I am confident that I am simply walking out the life which the Lord wants...I am healthier than I was ever, and could even possibly fathomed. I have some of the most supportive family, friends and co-workers that I could dream of having. I am accomplishing my personal dreams which I believe have been enstilled in me by my guiding faith in God works all things for the good of those who trust him. My time here is not my own and my work here is your work, accomplished here by me.

I Choose to trust YOU, because You are Good, and Faithful, and have yet to give me any reason to doubt. Just when I think I am alone and walking by myself, You are there with me. I AM LOVED.

Showing Up for Life…

This time of year can be so very difficult for many people everywhere who are in the middle of rockin' their singleness. It seems like every sappy movie on TV is about love and finding the one. It can be difficult to cope and manage when you know that your time has not arrived yet. I know that guys struggle with this just as much as women, but do not vocalize it in the same way. I have found a new way of managing this year, I have bought myself a valentine present, three new shirts at NY and Co. I have chosen that my happiness is not dependent upon what I cannot control. I cannot control the fact that I am still single. I can control how I choose to react to my situation…pouring love and blessings upon others who are in a similar boat. This past week was spent dealing with Parent Teacher Conferences, weight management from not being able to get to the gym and coping with late meetings each night due to Masters work and just…work. This week will be the same, as well as the next. Meeting, Meeting, Meeting. I cannot control the fact that I have meetings, but I can choose to be positive, remain in good spirits (act the way you want to feel) and be myself.

On a more positive note, I got to see Jenna and Laura this past week. Both girls drove in from Wichita for the Bridal Expo here in town for Laura's upcoming wedding. I was able to see both girls on Saturday and see Laura's dress, invitations, hear about the planning and see her fabulous smile. Jenna was a delight to have time with too. I always get recharged when I have the opportunity to see my "sisters". There is something about the people who you went to college with, who knew you best and still love you dearly to make you realize that half of life is "showing up" as Gretchen Rubin would say. Taking the time for other people and relationships because you cannot keep what you do not bother to maintain. It made me think about all the ways that my happiness project is forcing me to look for ways to rebuild and continue my friendships that live away from me, but also around me. Often I find myself at…meeting, meeting, meeting, and rarely is that a friendship meeting, I was thrilled to be meeting with Laura and Jenna for the day on Saturday. Truly, I know some wonderful women.

On taking the time to show up, I made the time to attend a swim meeting in Lawrence for a student of mine, Sophia. I have wanted to go and watch her swim all year and I was thrilled when a meet was announced in town which I was able to attend! She did not beat her time, but she did impress me very much. She talked about beating herself and the best thing about swimming was that she was not competing against other swimmers; she was looking to improve herself. What an inspiration! I was so happy to hear about how the goal setting I talk about in class is something which she looks at applying daily in her swimming and activities she wants to excel at! Another student of mine was also at the meet and I ran into her there as well. She did break one of her records and improved her score! I have the photos below.

Sophia and Myself.

Sophia, Myself and Kylie after the meet.

Finally, I "ran" my first 5k today. I am in LOVE with my Nike ipod running attachment. I simply set myself to distance and it tracked a 5k for me while letting me listen to music and updating me each time I hit a 1k, 2k, final 400 meters…etc. My first 5k time…11:05 per mile, total time of 34:21. To say that I was thrilled is minimal…I WAS ECSTATIC!!! Look out Save the Boobies…two weeks and I will see if I have improved my time! J Feel free to cheer me on in Lawrence on the 27^th! I am thinking about designing myself a t-shirt just because, to toot my own horn, but also to celebrate my accomplishment. I am thinking the front will say…"Everybody Needs One…" and the back…Super(role) Model. Thoughts?

It Is Finished…

I hate to quote the words of my dying Savior while he hung on a cross, but I do believe he said it best. It is finished.

Some of you may already know the journey which I have been on for the last five and a half years. The journey of my weight loss, and rebirth as a Phoenix. The journey has not been easy and many times over the past years I have failed miserably and hung my head in shame at some of my pathetic moments…Nutella, Jif and Honey Maid memories are flooding back to me from a few weekends ago...but I have also had many successes in my journey in learning that I am worth every single effort, penny and sacrifice which I have made to get to this point. What you may not know is that I applied for plastic surgery, more specifically, a body lift back in July. I was denied under my health insurance.

Apparently, losing, 200 pounds without surgery is simply not reason enough to remove over 8 pounds plus countless amounts of excess skin which are hiding under my clothing, but I so discretely camouflage under Spanx and body sheaths. Extremely uncomfortable to live life everyday in, but I do because otherwise, clothes lay extremely odd on me and then people think I have this massive muffin top. That is not a muffin top, it is simply an empty bakery display which I ate five years ago and then had the gall to leave at Bally Total Fitness and Weight Watchers. Just ignore the case and keep moving kids. After being told that I had not lost enough weight and that I should lose more, I did. My appeal had to be submitted today. Due to a minor state of emergency with a storm front, abdominal snow machines and the National Guard being called out, I was delayed slightly, but I did manage to get my entire contents in the mail to my insurance agency stating my case…that I have made changes in my life to be more healthy and live actively, in addition to being a true success at weight-loss. I have kept it off, no reoccurring yo-yo diets for me, just living healthy and making fabulous choices. I will hear back within the month to find out if my case was approved.

The Happiness Project also helped me this week begin looking actively for a new church home. I looked at ICCC and really enjoyed the message, not sure if it is the place for me, but I could really relate to the sermon and it caused me to take a deep look at my own heart and consider what it is that I am doing for Christ and not just for myself. I looked into joining a Bible Study by Beth Moore but the class meets on nights when I have ONEA in addition to Master's Classes. I am really quite sad about it. I have been wanting for some time to get back into a group that will be taking my spiritual walk to a deeper level but works with my crazy time schedule due to being a full time student plus full time teacher. The good news is that I live by grace and not the law so God understands my heart on the issue of loving and seeking Him.

It was a big week. I got more rest as per the Happiness Project, finished my Master's Homework, saw two movies…one with Betsy (No Strings Attached) and one with Murphy (The King's Speech). Ate carrot cake pancake for breakfast…yes, First Watch makes them, and I did take Zumba to counteract the naughtiness…ohhh…sweet carrot flakes, candied pecans and sugar-free syrup…being a snow bunny is worth it. Organized the office and I am ready to go to H & R Block now on Saturday and get my taxes done; got my mother's 60^th birthday present, gym bag with personalized water bottle and make-up bag plus a DVD, and all my grading for conferences complete for next week, I have been a very good girl.