Timing is Everything…

One would think that the older I get the more patient I would learn to become. Why is this difficult thing for me to do? In doing a relationship book study, I have discovered that my number one emotion fear which I am unable to control is "Time". When I cannot control the time or plan, I have anxiety, stress, cranky, and other fun side effects. Yet, while I can control some pieces of time, I am starting to learn from a friend that I need to learn that there will always be something more to get accomplished and I cannot change that. I am constantly discovering that my time is not my own, and I am merely walking out the path that the Lord is setting out before me. As it says in 2 Peter 1:19, "And we have the word of the prophets made more certain, and you will do well to pay attention to it, as to a light shining in a dark place, until the day dawns and the morning star rises in your hearts." What exactly is this scripture telling me? It is making me reflect upon the piece that there is one star, Christ and I must continue to seek the guidance of the Lord through the Bible to guidance in my life.

When it comes to patience and my life at the moment, there are a few things which I am learning about myself…

1. I pretend to be patient and that I want to wait, but I my heart I am thinking… "Forget this! Let's just do this thang!"
   
2. Seeking advice and counsel comes easy to me. I want to make people happy, it is one of my emotional needs, however, I cannot make everyone happy, therefore, I can be miserable rather than doing what I feel may be bringing me joy…but is it really joy when others are not happy as well? (Being a People Pleaser is No Bueno!)
   
3. I am indecisive…one minute I feel as though I can scream Heck Yeah from the roof tops and the next slam on the breaks and put up my hand and say, Not Comfortable with This! (Part of the feeling on this is that I feel that I want something right now when really I do not need or have to have something right now…budgeting with money can be tough! (Just sayin')
   
4. I have too many things to do, and I feel guilty taking time for myself. Which is ironic because I have no children or major commitments beyond myself, just the thought of doing something not work related or healthy for me or my family can cause me to stress out if my "list" of to-do's never dwindles and my patience is slow with others.
   
5. I am finding that relationships with other people need to be a higher priority than my weight management. I have discovered that I pushed away people in order to obtain my goals of weight loss and management because I was worried about a number on a scale rather than seeing myself as accepted and loved for who I am.
   

In Psalm 119:34-40, David pens, "Give me understanding, and I will keep your law and obey it with my heart. Direct me in the path of your commands for there I will find delight. Turn my heart toward your statutes and not toward selfish gains. Turn my eyes away from worthless things; preserve my life according to your word. Fulfill your promise to your servant so that you may be feared. Take away the disgrace I dread, for your laws are good. How I long for your precepts! Preserve my life in your righteousness."

All this said and put behind me, one may be inquiring, why do you place all this on your blog about timing today?

1. I need accountability. If I do not have people holding me accountable to my standards and goals, I know that I will not meet them. It is my nature and I know myself well enough after 28 years to see that I need people to hold my feet to the coals and flames of learning.
   
2. I am at a place where I am not sure where my path may be leading. People magazine has my weight loss story and has been teetering on whether or not to include my story with the Half-My-Size Issue which comes out in January. Weight Watchers selected it once and one editor said no two weeks ago, then a different editor wanted to reopen it last week. Patience is hard when you are wondering if the Lord wants to take your weight loss story and journey to a national not merely local level.
   
3. I am confused about where to start on my teaching career path. Starting a doctorate program is something which I have seriously been interested in doing and looking into for the past few months, and I think I have a program which may be a good fit for me. I am struggling with this because I am unsure about whether now is a good time to begin such a task…especially with the economic state of the nation, working on getting out of debt and my career path.
   
4. What about branching out with love? I am waiting on timing here as well. I feel that I have individuals who I care deeply about in my life yet, I am struggling with the ability to juggle all requirements for my current position, weight management, "publicity potential", and having the support of those who I love more than anything accept the decisions which I am considering.
   

I feel as though I am getting mixed counsel from parents, friends and others. I want to have as Good to Great puts it, "Everyone on the bus moving in the same direction." Timing really is important in life, I want to make sure that my timing is correct, proper and in a place where I am able to bless other rather than causing any issues for the people who I care about most. Besides, my time really is not my own. I am merely a vessel here walking out God's love and joy on this world. I am leaving a legacy on this earth, yet I am not of this world. My prayer since July has been, John 17:24-25 "…be with me where I am, and to see my glory, the glory you have given me because you loved me before the creation of the world. Righteous Father, though the world does not know you, I know you, and they know that you have sent me. I have made you known to them and will continue to make you knowing in order that the love you have for me may be in them and that I myself may be in them."

I just want the time so fleeting as it is to be maximized for the good of God's glory, yet also for the joy of my heart and life.

Learning the Levels of Love

In my last entry in August, prior to the start of September, I did an entry about being a bachelorette and how I was aching to find love in my life and starting to embark upon the sonnets which Shakespeare penned and Elizabeth Barrett Browning composed. How Do I Love Thee, Let Me Count the Ways. Were these not the same words put into action by our own Savior more than 2000 years ago when he willingly came to die a blameless life for me upon a cross, and would gladly do it all over again simply to hear me say the words, I choose Christ. There is no greater love then this, that you would lay down your life for a friend.

I have been blessed this past month with starting some new outings and friendships which are challenging me to grow and mature as a fallen woman who is growing in her faith and trust with the Lord daily. One of the things which Proverbs 27:17 talks about is iron sharpening iron to become stronger and more able to take on challenges. I can see how life together with other strong believers has that very impact! In talking and attending various church events and seeing wonderful individuals, I have been forced to confront my own flawed way of viewing love in a gilded light.

The levels of love and the intimacy which can ensue is something which I am starting to slowly grasp my naïve mind around. The Eros side of Love, the passionate love which exists in strong romance coupled with the Philia side of love which is the deep friendships which are created through time and trust. I say naïve in my opening sentence simply because not everyone has had the joy of living a life quite like mine, the life of choosing to remain set apart. This can create some rather interesting conversations on dates when I feel that progression further can be a challenge, especially when the level of love and intimacy which I am searching for is the Agape side of love. For those who are unaware, Agape love which is unconditional and selfless side of love is the base for the strongest relationships. Agape love is unconditional, time and circumstance cannot affect the outcome of the relationship or love bond because there were no conditions prior, simply the act off accepting one another as they are and come.

I do believe that my biggest misconception through my life was that I was unlovable and that I was too much of a person to ever see someone loving a woman as multi-faceted as myself. Ouch, yes, I really did just type that out for the entire world to read. I saw myself as being too overweight, too loud, too tall, too quirky, too meager in finances…etc. The nitty gritty, I saw myself as not enough of a person and having conditions which someone would be looking for me to meet in order to truly love me. HOW Pathetic! Yes, I really have thought that for many, many years. It was through talking with a friend about "Love Dare", "Love Talk", and the "Five Love Languages" that I have been guided to seeing that I never really have loved myself without conditions, making my belief that someone else could show the same love and acceptance as Christ a real challenge.

Part of the happiness project this year is to find the time to invest in others, because I want to and have not had the chance to do just that, maintain the garden of friendships or grow new seedlings of relationships within the walls of my life. I plan to take the time to do just that this year, make relationships a priority. Not only making relationships a priority, but offering the same unconditional and selfless love which Christ has poured out upon my right back to others.

Love which I have experienced this week included, Cole and his family having me over for wine and to share an evening with their life as a family. Gifted photographer Bethany Good taking me to Loose Park for a photo shoot with my new figure to rock my new journey! My father taking me on a daddy daughter date to which I may not have agreed with everything mentioned was a great conversations to have. Meeting my new friend Derrick at the gym each morning and encouraging him and I to continue our healthy lifestyles and shared interests in local culture, food and family. I have even been able to visit Laura and Jenna in Wichita for birthday girl weekend. Overall, I am experiencing love, I just need to be more alert in the moment and allow love to the action of choice as it was this pas t week rather than over analyzing when it will happen and trust that as I live our Agape, my Lord will bring along Eros and Phila love into my life.