Clipped the Old Wings, but this Bird is Soaring Higher than Ever!

Last Tuesday morning at 6:30 am, my momma drove me to Heartland for the second and currently, the final procedure for the Summer Season in my transformation. I checked in, left a massive tray again of cookies and overflowing fruit basket for the staff as a HUGE Thank-You for all that they have done for me...the least I can do for two half price hospital procedures is duo cookie trays and fruit baskets.

I was road mapped again this time on my arms and chest by the amazing Dr. K prior to being wheeled back down the hallway and counting backwards from ten. When I awoke four hours later, I was two pounds lighter but struggling with the immense pain. I do believe that my arm-chest lift was harder than the body lift. I did not rebound in the hospital as well as I had hoped. I was unable to reach the call button, get my own drink or feed myself for two days. It was so humbling lying in the hospital bed after it all. The opportunity to experience life with no arms for a few days and was miserable. A deeper understanding for people without the use of their upper body or missing limbs really hit home for me. Darah, my amazing nurse from the first procedure explained that since I had just underwent a major surgery two weeks prior, I was not fully recovered making a second major surgery more of a challenge. I am restricted to wearing front closure soft cups for six to eight weeks. Where on Earth would I find this? My parents searched Target, Wal-Mart, Dillard's and Kohl's looking for items to no avail while I slept under a veil of anesthesia. Mom and I tried a venture to Macy's on Monday evening and for a mere $36 each...(gulp!) I found what I needed. The sales associate commented my lovely jacket which I get to wear for the next two weeks and immediately asked if I was a breast cancer survivor since she had to wear one after her reconstruction. I congratulated her on her survival and being free of the sickness which ravages many women and told her no, just had a lift in the arms and chest. Another opportunity to experience "stepping into someone else's shoes." As quoted by Atticus Finch in To Kill a Mocking Bird.

The recovery at home is a 100% improvement each day from the day before. One day I can move my arms and sign my name, the next tie my hair back and feed myself, make my own meals and push a shopping cart, start making meals again and so on. When seeing Dr. K today he was please with the way the incisions were healing since I am only a week out. He mentioned that I was allowed to start walking for exercise up to an hour a day. Those of you that know me well understand that I am a gym rat at this point in my life and I am severely missing my daily time in addition to sessions with Drew. Luckily, I get text updates from him and will be allowed back in on August 1; unluckily, no personal training cleared for most of August. Sigh!

I did make on Sunday a salad which my awesome Aunt Deby had made for the fourth of July...with the exception of the regular tomatoes rather than cherry since that is what was in my parent's fridge. I lightened it by using less olive oil and fat free feta cheese rather than regular. If interested in the recipe, it is listed below!

I also had the blessing of Jenna and Jesse Roskilly, my best friend and her husband, kidnapping me and taking me to lunch at the Salty Iguana prior to me seeing my sweet cousin Greta, and her ever more lovely daughter Dei-Dei and baby Trixie from Jetmore, Kansas. I love it when I get to see them and hear about their garage chickens and organic gardening adventures.

One week out, how am I feeling overall? Sore! I attended one of my best friend's weddings on Saturday under the okay from Dr. K. (I told her that even if I sat there in a bathrobe, in NO WAY would I miss her wedding day.) The reason for this was my procedure got bumped up a week or I could wait until the school year started...teacher's everywhere like me would opt for NO Sub planning for six weeks and just doing it in the summer. Unfortunately, this meant that while I was set to attend her wedding with no problems before, now I would be out of surgery a mere four days before she wed. This was a bit of a stretch, but a cocktail of Oxicotin supplemented with Codine allowed for smiles. I was ambushed by lots of hugs at the wedding and while people tried to just gently pat, as the night wore on and wine flowed freely for them…not me, squashing Erin occurred more frequently. Worth it for my Laura Love. Congratulations my sweet friend!

Yet in spite of the pain, for the first time in 20 years, I am able to look in the mirror and feel that I am lovely. It may seem vain, but when you have lived your entire life as an obese person, then to have a body of a 90 year old woman at the age of 27, to have the outside reflect the love and kind heart which many know exist on the inside was never manifested, until Today at 1:30 pm. The swollen image of the phoenix rising from my old life was what I saw Dr. K revealed my new set of wings.

The exciting thing is that now, I can begin to soar to the new heights which before, I limited myself to because I was ashamed of my body and the way it appeared due to my own self mutilation of food. I have a new set of jeans and shirt which I am thrilled to venture out on Saturday and wear to Hy-Vee at 135th and Brougham in Olathe for the Health Fair. Hopefully, I will see you dear friend as I start to begin my wobbly attempt as a newborn bird, spreading my wings to fly to new valleys and mountains which I never dreamed before.

Mediterranean Tomato, Cucumber and Feta Salad with Fresh Mint and Thyme Dressing

This salad gets better the longer it sits in the dressing. Make the night before and let the herbs work their natural magic in the fresh vegetables.

Ingredients

• 3 large tomatoes chopped into large bites – or use 2 pints of grape tomatoes and cut into halves.


• 2 very large cucumbers


• 6 green onions, finely chopped, greens and whites included.


• 1 cup of fat free feta cheese – I like the PRESIDENT brand, it is found in the deli section of your grocery store. – I buy the large container


• ¾ cup of kalmata olives, cut in half, lengthwise – these are found in the deli section or with the olives and pickles aisle.


• Zest of one lemon
  

Dressing

• Juice of one lemon – about ¼ cup


• ¼ cup of Extra Virgin Olive Oil


• 1 TBSP of Thyme – If using fresh, about ¼ of a cup, finely chopped


• 1 tsp of black pepper


• ½ tsp. salt


• ¼ cup of fresh mint leaves finely chopped – if you do not have fresh mint, feel free to leave out.

Procedure

• On a cutting board, remove the white core of the tomatoes. Slice, then chop into large bites no bigger than a nickel or quarter size. Place into a large mixing bowl.


• With a vegetable peeler, remove the skin from the cucumbers and then slice them length wise. Using a spoon, scrape the seeds from the cucumber and discard them.


• Return cucumber halves to the cutting board and slice each half length wise a second time and proceed to dice into bite size chunks. Repeat for the green onions and add both the cucumber bites as well as green onions to the tomatoes.


• Add the feta and kalmata olive to the tomato and cucumber mix.


• In a small separate bowl, combine all of the dressing ingredients and whisk together for about 20 seconds.


• Pour dressing over the salad mixture then gently toss together.


• Cover the bowl with plastic wrap and allow the salad to sit for a few hours to chill.
  

This salad will serve about 8-10 people is using 1 cup servings, I usually eat 2 cups for lunch with fresh hummus and whole wheat pita or a Flat Out Wrap.

The Phoenix Begins the Rise from the Surgical Flames...

Bleary eyed and bushy haired, I walked into Heartland Surgical Specialty Hospital, at 6 AM on Monday, June 20th. Linda Wagar and John the camera man were greeting me as well as all of the "public relations" crew to make sure the staff was represented well. An hour and a half later, after being marked all over with a purple surgical pen...loving I called it my road map to a New Me, poked and weighed a few times, I do not even recall being rolled down the hallway to surgery or having the surgical mask put on me.


When I awoke from the anethesia dream later on last Monday afternoon, I did not know what had ran over my mid-section. I am flat like a pancake...seriously! I now after 27 years of dieting and now post weight loss, I have a "flat tummy!" I have a scar now "saw"ing me in half. I joked with my mother's bridge group on Sunday afternoon that I am the girl the magician cut in half and sewed back together again. I will have this awe inspiring scar for my entire life, and if you know me, you know that I LOVE a good scar because a scar is a story waiting to be told. I also have a new belly button because my original one was removed with the fifteen pounds of excess skin which the doctor removed during the six and a half hours of surgery.

When I arose from the bed, after quite a struggle, last Monday, I was told to press my hand to my stomach to hold everything in. Ironically, I pressed my hand where my old stomach had been, a good six-eight inches awary from where it is presently. A strange feeling since I now seem to rub my belly like a preggers lady and waddle like one too. This is mainly for the comfort which rubbing my stomach gives me from the sore tissues and the scar. I wear a giant spanx like leotard from the knees to my chest compressing all of me together for the next month. Then regular spankx for two weeks...not away from them yet. I now understand why some pups love these rubs...uh...THEY FEEL AWESOME! Yes, it is official, I do love a good belly rub.

I walked the hallways of the surgical center multiple times that night and the next day to practice for strength purposes. I am excited to admit which it was a challenge I feel like I was able to do really well with it. Later on, I talked with my Aunt Laurie, Jenna and Betsy on the phone but unfortuantely, I do not recall most of the conversations...the call history was the only teller as well as my mother later...I was "anethestic dialing" apparently...nurses and doctors everywhere shake their heads at this cultural taboo which strikes patients in a post surgical state.

Once home later the next morning, I was miserable from pain for the first few days. After Thrusday then I went down to only Tylenol - pain is more manageable now. While it is far from gone, it is something which I am confident in dealing with for the next week. The drain tubes of which Ihave four, have been more of a beast to deal with than anything else, simply because they are painful, in the way and needing to be emptied and documented every six hours.

Overall, for the past few days, I have been doing amazing! I have been able to make my own breakfast for the past few days, oat bran with sugar free syrup-coffee, and fresh strawberries. In addition to this, my parents have a split level home to which I am able to go up and down the stairs with confidence multiple times daily. I have gone to the grocery store with my mom on Sunday and Friday evenings plus had the pleasure of pushing the cart for stability reasons with my walking. I was able yesterday to walk around the neighborhood with my mom. The doctor is amazed with how well I am doing, he said it is because of my diet and exercise habits coupled with being very motivated that has allowed the swift recovery so far.

I went to the doctor again yesterday, Tuesday, June 28 and had the incision tape removed as well as my four drains. Luckily, a drain I thought was possibly infected was only severely bruised and no antibiotics needed to be started. John and Linda came back over to talk with me at my parents home about surgery, recovery and see me try on a few items post surgery. Given how swollen I am currently, trying on clothes was a bit of a challenge, but I did fit into a size 12 jeams and a medium top. These are goals which I never imagined I would be able to accomplish.

I did tell John and Linda about an exciting event which Hy-Vee at 135th and Brougham in Olathe is hosting on July 16th with me...a health fair called, "Living the Dream". I will have a booth promoting cookbook sales to offset surgery cost as well as vendors from around the Health Market such as Smart Chicken and other organic offerings. The chef and dietician on staff will be offering my recipes as samples and cooking them fresh in addition to a Kids Boot Camp for getting healthy and making lifestyle changes! How exciting is that! :) I was so touched that they wanted to jump on board with me and help create an event! Come check it out, this will be one of the first outings with my "new self".

A huge shout out of THANKS to the follow fabulous individuals this past week whom have made my recovery run so smoothly...Mom and Dad, seriously, I hope to God that I never have to do to you all that you have had to do for me these past five years, you show me what it is to have true, unconditional love for a child. Lindsay Murphy for coming and babysitting me on Thurs while my parents were at work and the dentist...seriously, girlie, I Love You!!! My Aunt Laurie for calling and checking in on me during the week and keeping the family in the loop with the recovery process, Thanks! Ashley and Brandon Clark for making me Ashley's Awesome Bakery Worthy Cookies, which she was kind enough to share, in addition to pulled pork, meatballs and spinach dip...eatin' well while healin. The Meyer Aunties for a stunning bouquet of flowers...what every girl needs! Laura Love and Jenna Benna for calling and checking in almost daily to make sure I was alright. Shirley Brogna for sending a care package full of great reading materials! Talk about feelin' the love this past week!

Twas the Night Before Surgery...

Twas the night before surgery and all through the house,

A young woman was cooking and preparing her blouse.

The bag was all packed and the prayers were all said.

She could not comprehend the image she was to become in her head.

The family gathered round the table and prayed.

Together they gave thanks for the hospital bills to be paid.

Her mother asked for the surgeon to have skill,

Inwardly her daughter hoped she would not awake ill.

Her father gave praise for how far she had come,

And thanked the good Lord for the transformation done.

Brother Sam called from California and encouraged his sister's heart,
He was ever encouraging and asked for her to finish the work that God the Father did start.

Erin gave praise for the work of God's hand,

and the constant provision in her land.

And you sweet friend, can do the same,

Ask God above for wisdom and guidance of the workers even though you know not their name.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Me running my booth at Hy-Vee with my Aunt Betsy and Uncle Bill coming to offer support!

The awesome gift basket and cookies I made for the staff at Heartland Surgical Center...

See a new me in a few weeks!

Surgery #1 - Tomorrow

Surgery #2 - July 5th - It was moved up one week!!! Yikes

Thyme to Embrace Change...

The ending of the school year was the closure to a chapter in the lives of my students for the year which we had together, a blissfully wonderful year in my book. The kind of chapter which I hope to have penned multiple times over in my life, just with different lives being intertwined. Saying a sweet adu to those loves was the begining of a transitonal time for me as well for them. Them, as they now have a chance to enjoy a summer of sunkissed glows from days by the pool and afternoons spent playing basketball with the kid next door, walking to the local ice cream shoppe and licking sticky sweet fingers drizzled with melted sugared cream. These are the memories which they will look back upon and smile.

Time in a bottle, it is sung about, reflected upon and something which many people wish they could bottle up. I had such a time this past month. Time in a bottle was what it seemed to be for me with going to the T-Bones game with one of my highschool friends, Jenn Laffler. We sat there, shared what the Lord was doing in each of our lives and talked about boys, Weight-Watchers and overcoming trials which neither of us foresaw in our lives ten years prior. As we sat there, it was easy. Easy as in, even though I had not seen Jenn in nearly a year, we simply picked right back up where we left off...there was no time that had passed.

That same week I came about in Summer Conference for Olathe and discussed different levels of education and ideas with fellow educators. I had the chance to collaborate and dicuss about new ideas and practices which were going to be occuring in our school, district, state and nation with policies and standards for the upcoming year. I was excited to hear about what positive ideas other educators have done and tried in their community to advance changes. I am very excited about the rolling out of Common Core Standards for our contry.

Changes continue to happen as I went to Wichita last week for the bridal shower and bachelorette party of one of my sorority sisters, and dear friend, Laura Craven. I had been working tirelessly the previous week typing up all of my recipes and compling them into a notebook for Laura as her gift. Then it hit me, why not make Laura's wedding shower gift your fundraiser for surgery?! That dear one is exactly what I did. When I gave Laura her gift at the shower on Saturday, I was so proud of what I had made. It was one of those projects which I had worked so hard on, that to see it in her hands was really special for me. I know she will appreciate all the time and effort which I had spent working on it.

Thyme to Lose It! Is the title of the cookbook which I am using to fundraise at this point. I have been shipping and mailing copies all over Kansas this past week and I even have a table this Saturday at Hy-Vee off of 135th and Broughm to sell copies for $20 each to fundraise for surgery. (Feel free to click on the link and order one!) I am very thankful to the sales which have already happened...Thank You to each of you who have helped to fund my surgery which is THIS Monday, June 20th at 7:30 AM. I will recover for the first week at my parents home in Overland Park, and after that, I will simply have to see how my recovery is going prior to moving back into Betsy's. Feel free to come on over and drop by and see me...or just turn on the news.

Fox 4 is coming to the townhouse this Friday to inverview me prior to surgery as well as watch me cook a recipe or two from my book to help with the fundraising. (Still need about $5,000 to raise.) Then, they will come on Monday morning to film the surgery. YIKES! Not quite how I saw all of this rolling out, but truly, if God wanted this to be done without the entire KC Metro area knowing, HE could have done it that way.

It is hard to believe that the change is here...in less than five days, I will be meeting the new Erin Marie Meyer, the woman whom I have been transitioning towards for a few years...some years it seems that I look the Summer to find myself, myself is found, now it is just a matter to turning over my health to the Lord and thanking Him for the Phoenix he is allowing me to become. It is now my time, my moment to shine and embrace the change.

Once Upon A Dream…

A few months ago, many of you read my entry about running the race of life for the crown in heaven with the comparison to myself running my first 5k…continuing the entry of running, I have had two very busy weekends in a row. The first was last weekend, when I ran my first 10K. Again, as mentioned in a previous entry, my goal this next year is to run a half marathon by the time my 28^th birthday rolls around. In order to achieve this goal, I have had to set up mini-goals along the way and check myself to make sure that I am able to achieve them. The Heart and Sole race was in Olathe, KS last weekend, and I had some of my most supportive cheerleaders present…my students and coworkers. We met together prior to the race and then went through the check-points of the first leg together. Nothing was more uplifting to me then to run with my community and Countryside family. Cheering on Matthew as he ran and other Cardinals and calling their name, patting parents on the shoulder and cheering on my team really brought the memory home that we all can achieve what we set out to do when there is the right amount of work and praise involved. I knew this to be true when my team stopped after the first 5k and I continued on up the hill for the second round. I seemed to hit a steady pace as I ran and I thought about my kiddos. I saw their sweet faces as I ran. I thought about how proud they were of me and wanted me to be able to achieve what I told them I wanted to do…a 10k. I started crying when I came over the crest of a hill and I saw my friend Katie who is at Central filming me run the final leg…I could not resist calling out one of my favorite verses…"I can do ALL things through Christ whom gives me strength!!!" – Philippians 4:13…moments later, my students Hunter, Molly and Brandon jumped from the curb and ran the race home with me. They wanted to share my accomplishment and show their support. There is something incredibly special about the love of a child…the simple faith which they have in you and how a child is willing to move mountains with their ability to show their love. Never having had the joy of my own children, I experience this through my students. I was later transported to the verse in Mark 10:15, "Assuredly, I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God as a little child, will not enter it." This same love and trust my students pour out onto me each day, my heavenly Father daily gives to me as well; it is just a matter of me receiving it.

Mother's Day was Sunday last and my mother, father and I all went to Avenues Bistro in the Mission Farms area for brunch. Truly, a brunch worthy of a meal off of my tracking and planning…caramel pecan sticky rolls, Grand Marnier drenched strawberry French toast, coconut macaroons, champagne & chocolate covered strawberries, lobster ravioli, shrimp cocktail, scallops seared to perfection and the Roasterie Coffee brewed blissfully on the bar. Not only was the brunch impressive, but the atmosphere was relaxed and service impeccable! Our server was wonderful, the kind of server that was more like a friend hosting a dinner party rather than a wait staff member, plus the manager came around and talked with every table. It is the little things which make the dining experience for me build to a crescendo of praise…food, service, atmosphere and price. Avenues Bistro is by far the most wonderful location for a special occasion brunch. If you have not experienced this hidden gem, next time you have the opportunity, make this local treasure your stop.

On Monday of two weeks past, I met with Dr. Korentager, the plastic surgeon with KU Medical Center who will be performing my procedures for the body lift, arm lift for my "new" form this summer. It was surreal sitting in the office and talking with him and his staff. For the first time in my life, a doctor has looked at me and said, "You're healthy Erin. The BMI scale does not apply to you at the moment. It is obvious that you are healthy." I needed to hear that from a medical professional. I have been told for over 27 years that I am "overweight", "obese" and "morbidly obese" that the term, "healthy" has never entered a conversation between me and my doctors. It was reassuring that maybe, just maybe, the medical profession sees that there needs to be some changes in the way that we view human health and wholeness. After talking for two hours, we set the dates for my two surgeries here this summer. Body lift in mid-June, Arm-Chest Lift in Early-Mid-July. I was told how much I would have to pay personally for each of the surgeries that I am in need of…about $7700 for June and $6800 for July. One thing that people have not realized is that while the doctor is not charging me, I still have to pay everyone else and the hospital. The funds have to come in by June 9^th…hence why I had to create a fundraising page…Super (role) Model.

That same evening, the show aired on Fox 4 Problem-Solvers. (Click on the underlined link in case you would care to watch.) I hosted a mini-watch party at the Other Place in Olathe, (where Betsy and I do karaoke) and had some wonderful family and dear friends come and offer support for the transformation occurring in my life. The next morning, I talked with Drew about it at the gym. It was weird to watch myself on the screen. I thought the entire time…"Is that really me? Is that how I really look?" I am still baffled when I see myself, I wonder, is that me? I know that reconditioning of the brain can take 1 month for each year of life…with this in mind, I could easily be over 30 years of age when I finally realize, yes, this is the new me. Positive reimaging self talk has already been started on my end…Drew and my wonderful family and friends have been supportive as well. I know that I do not see it yet, but I am starting to.

I continued closing some other chapters in my life last week with walking for my master's degree in curriculum instruction at ESU. My brother Sam flew in for the occasion and we went out as a family for lunch afterwards...the "Classic Cup" on the Country Club Plaza was my choice because online they were registered as having one of the best carrot cakes in the city. Of course, this in my mind would be the perfect ending to the hard work I put in. The Louisiana Shrimp and Grits I had for lunch there was superb, my carrot cake, lacking. I was hoping for more cinnamon and possibly a hint of nutmeg. Overall, the food and experience was wonderful, my dad got raspberry peach cobbler with crème fresh which was a little piece of what I envision Paula Deene would welcome a dear friend in with for cards and a catch up. I feel that my carrot cake cupcakes from Cooking Light is better, if you want to try it, click on carrot cake, but do google Ina Garten's cream cheese frosting, very bad for you, but sooo good on these cupcakes, (bake in 18 muffin tins for about 30 min. at 325 degrees…also, add in 1 tsp of pumpin pie spice, it really does help!) I made this past week for my class along with homemade granola. (about 100 calories per ¼ cup…did not add the brown sugar nor the dried mangoes.)

That same evening, I shared with Sam my concern about raising $14,000 within a month and not knowing quite what to do. I told him that I felt like the Lord has placed on my heart that I was to help someone else I knew fundraise first and part with a large sum which I had saved. I told Sam that I really hoped I could get in contact with this person later on this week, as I had already called twice and got no response, but also my concern about meeting my own goal now. Sam gave me the encouragement that I was to keep reaching out. I told him that Matthew 6:25-26 was my focus of the past week and that the Lord was really working in my heart about trusting His provision in my life with the story he is having me author, but Him edit. The verse talks about how birds and flowers do not worry about the days ahead and where things will come from, it ends with, how much more does your heavenly Father care about you? He cares so much and truly, I know that my God will supply ALL my needs, not some or partial, but ALL. This was poured out to me later on this past week…I not able to connect with my friend Sarah prior to Thursday, I kept calling and leaving messages, but got nothing back. Wednesday night, I sat in the parking lot of WaterWay waiting while my car filled and said to the Lord, "I did my part, I keep calling, but there is no answer. I thought You wanted me to give…and I am trying, but I cannot give, if there is no answer." Right then, a peace which I cannot explain washed over me, and I felt a calm that was, "Keep It." What? Seriously God? Are you sure, because I want your will, not my own in my life. I felt again the peaceful feeling, "Keep It." I called my mom, (of course!) immediately and shared what had happened, we both thought, well, maybe I am being tested…am I willing to part with my fundraising need to help another? I was hit full force the next morning at my mailbox on plan time. Thank Jesus that David was checking his mail and getting coffee with me at the same time, I was taken aback when I saw the envelope from Fox 4 in the school box. It was an anonymous letter signed, "Your Friend" with $1400 cash in hundreds inside. I started bawling right there, and not little tears, this was, OMG YOU DID WHAT FOR A STRANGER!? I shared with David that this was much like Abraham being asked by God in Genesis 22 to give up his only son and trust Him to provide a sacrifice.

Does the Editor of my faith end the week there…NO! God continued to awe-inspire me even more as I drove to Wichita for my roomie from the sorority…Happein' Hadley's bachelorette party and bridal shower. I finally connected with Sarah and had a good catch up as I drove. I shared with her what God had done, and she said, you want to know what is even cooler Meyer? I felt that I was not to answer your calls and take your funds this week. You were the only person who offered to give whom I felt that God said, No, you are not to take it. We both got goose-bumps as we talked on the drive about how the Lord was working in both are fundraising efforts because she is fully funded without my aid. How Great Is Our God?! I told her that I thought the Lord would do something big on the trip because she did not take it and followed what she thought the Lord spoke to her heart. She shared that she sees the Lord working big things for me as well. I explained to Sarah that I am trusting fully that as long as I continue to follow what I believe I am to do for the Bigger Picture in Mind by God that He will continue to guide and make my path straight…as in Proverbs 3:5-6, "Trust in the Lord with ALL your heart and lean not on your own understanding (because truly, I do not always understand) and in ALL your ways submit to Him and HE will make your path straight." Childlike faith is all that my God asks of me, to blindly understand that somehow, HE will accomplish HIS work even if I do not understand the way HE makes the storyline turn.

Seeing my sorority sisters and the supportive family that ASA has been for me with sisterhood through the years, I am blessed to know so many amazing Apples of God's eye. Elissa's shower was such a blast. We did the toilet paper bride and her grandmother was the winner. Seeing an eighty year old woman wrapped in Charmin ultra soft and carrying a bouquet of cardboard rolls was pretty funny. Later on going out to celebrate "She's had it with Hadley, she'll be Ternes now" was a reminder of what sisterhood is…showing up and celebrating the life and love of each other. We visited Old Town and ran into old friends from college as we went from stop to stop. Later this morning, Jenna, Laura, Sarah Jo and I finished some invites for the bachelorette party to happen in a few weeks for Laura Craven, it was exciting to celebrate the friendships which I have been blessed to accrue and discuss an idea of a sisterhood retreat as adults like an annual trip each summer together…much like something I could see the Red Hat's club or Ya-Ya!'s doing.

A third and final chapter which I am a mess of Kleenex debris is closing this week as well. My fifth grade loves are leaving me on Tuesday morning. Do NOT bring it up, because I know that I will start crying. I could have never imagined as class like this one. A class where you bring up new learning and the response is…"Yeah! We get to stretch our brains today!" J How could anyone NOT want to teach such passion for learning? Saying good-bye tomorrow night at the end of the year will be bittersweet for me. I know that I cannot hold them forever, they need new challenges and opportunities for growth that I am not qualified (yet) to give, but I cannot help but be sad to watch them walk out my door on Tuesday. As Drew told me at the start of August, "Enjoy it Erin, but remember, it will end…it may be May, but remember, it it will end." The truth of the matter is, it is ending, and I am so grateful that I got the best gift of all, a full year to invest in 24 young lives. Truly, their parents gave me a "borrowed" gift, and I simply have to pass the gift along.

To end it all, I feel like once, years ago, I had a dream, and God has given me the gift of living it out each day, to which I have no idea the lives which I get to impact. The inspirational thing is that new dreams are currently being mulled over in my mind and heart these past few weeks. I am so ever grateful that I not only get to walk out the dreams in my heart, but I have not let the dreams of the past die nor lost the ability to dream. New dreams are being created as I see the fulfillment of dreams of the past. Just as the Disney song from my favorite princess, Aurora (Sleeping Beauty) once sang, "I know you I walked with you once upon a dream, I know you, the gleam in your eyes is so familiar a gleam. Yet I know its true, that visions are seldomd though they seam; but if I know you, I know what you'll do, You'll love me at once, the way you did once, upon a dream." Dreams and visions are seldom fulfilled, yet once, I had a dream, God has fulfilled it fully and continues to give new dreams and passions for me to walk out.

The Bigger Picture in Mind…

I know that my God works together all things for the good of those that love Him…according to the purpose to which HE called them…Romans 8:28. This verse has been my lifeline for the past month. I know that surviving that masters classes, my students, balancing work in addition to learning how to accept myself has been a journey. It has been a journey which has yet to run its course, but even still, a process of growth which I would not trade. I have finished reading Beth Moore's book, So Long Insecurity, and while I may not have a complete dominance of this force in my life, I am come to realize that I know more than I choose to let on to. I learned this past month that I have a student whom was adopted, which is an issue extremely close to my heart. In addition, a student, my dear C.G. has come to remind me that, "I Am Loved" daily and that each day when I tell students that I love them in my classroom, while not all tell me that they share that same love in return, many do. How blessed am I? I still have students come a visit me from the previous two years, sell me cookies at dismissal and want to tell me of the latest dances which they have attended and whom they are crushing on in middle school. While I never pictured myself as "that" teacher whom students returned wanting to share their life with, I am thrilled that my previous students want to find me and share their successes with me. I may never fully understand the impact of the lives which are touched, but still, I know that God is at work and has shared HIS light though me with those whom I have interacted with. The Lord know how my life may impact others and that through my answering HIS calling to be an educator fills HIS greater purpose, I may not in the short term of this life know what is occurring.

Keeping this in perspective, I have found that this rings true for my weight loss. I may not fully understand how my story fits in with the larger picture of the lives of those whom I meet, but I do know that the Lord has a reason and calling for me in sharing my journey with food and learning to accept and love myself in spite of a culture obsessed with body image and perfection. I believe one of my greatest compliments came today at my cousin Sarah's wedding today, " I see you as a true Christian, Erin. You show love, and are humble in accepting a compliment. When I think of what a Christian woman looks like, I think of you. You are fabulous!" Me? Really? I know so many other people who have it all together, I do not consider myself to be that person. But, I do know that I have a story, which I will share about a journey which I will make until the day that I die about my struggle with acceptance of myself and of food. I shared today with Nikki, a friend of Betsy's that my favorite part of being a new person is people whom do not know who I am…when it is a family member, it makes it even sweeter. This happened twice at Sarah's wedding. I know that my sweet Jesus Christ has a message for me to share and that is of my Savior saving me from myself at the age of 22 years. I see that while I may not know the lives in which I give impact to, I just show up and live and try to be myself, Christ will work through me to impact others if I will let him.

With this is mind it makes it surreal to know that I have finished my Masters Degree this past week from Emporia State with Curriculum and Instruction as the goal. I know that I have the ability and passion to teach new educators at some point in my life, but that point is not yet today. While my dream is still intact of teaching new educators, my goal of becoming an IRT in my district has shifted. For now, I just want to specialize in being a great 5^th grade educator. This has been made possible through the completion of my project on Donorschoose.org for next year! I have been funded in teaching of a book unit of the literature masterpiece entitled, "Masterpiece" by Elise Broach. An art heist told from the perspective of a beetle! I am ecstatic about sharing my love of art and literature with next year's class, I know that they will embrace and adore this book as much as I do! I am over the moon about sharing this digital project with them. Thank you again to each of you who took the time to donate to my classroom. The bigger picture to keep in mind is that many students do not have the ability to visualize an art heist nor get passionate about it, yet, doing a book study will hopefully help open a door for greater literacy connections.

April has been more than just book funding, it has been one of public education funding. I attended the KNEA Representative Assembly in Topeka, KS a few weeks ago. I listened as I heard about the drastic cuts being made in the arena of public education. Currently, the budget for the state sits at funding public education from $5,000 (appx) to state reps and senators wanting to cut it back to $3,200 per student! This is a cut which would take public ed to a realm before 1992. Are we as Americans that simple minded that we would go back in time nearly 20 years and believe that 20 years ago, there was no internet, home computers, hybrid cars, but the quality of education which public school teachers are to give our future leaders and citizens must remain the same? How can it? All these things would need to leave the classrooms for the education to be what it was that long ago. Yet, as Americans there is an outcry for justice in education and making teachers to bad guys for wanting benefits and equal pay. When other cultures and nationalities around the globe pour money into their priority of public schools such as Finland, China and Switzerland, then yes, where the money is, there the best education will lie. Is it fair? Maybe, maybe not. But it shows where countries have set their priorities and future. If funding of the future is something which Americans do not want, then we will continue in a downward spiral of ignorance leading our decision making. Keep this in the back of your mind as you read, each of us WILL grow older, children and youth WILL replace us, ARE we preparing them for their role as key decision makers or are we leading through ignorance ourselves because we do not see the value of the stock in front of us? We have to keep the bigger picture in mind.

Below is a THANK YOU! to Olive Garden for a Lunch with they brought us for being the top fundraisers for our school Pennies for Patients Drive.

Exiting from school funding and viewing myself, I have been working on a different big picture to keep in mind as I get ready to meet with the plastic surgeon and Fox 4 news on May 9^th. That bigger picture is the new Erin Marie Meyer. Who is she and what is she becoming? I know that I have been struggling with finding out who I am for the past few years really. It seems to me that insecurity with my appearance is what has been the drive within my weight loss for many years. I would use the mental strategy of telling myself that I was too big still and needed to lose more weight. This worked very well to hit the goal weight, but as Betsy and I discussed at SPIN! pizza with friends that the goal weight loss was not a weight that I could maintain, losing 200 pounds is one thing, yet being able to live at that weight was another. It was not a manageable weight for me. I was ALWAYS hungry, grumpy and eating! Since then with BCBS and getting ready to meet with my surgeon, I have been reevaluating myself and the weight and lifestyle which I do believe that I can be and manage long-term, I believe that I have a weight goal in mind to strive for and work with to achieve this. For the first time in my life, I feel as though I know what is a manageable weigh and style of life for me. The bigger picture to keep in mind with the food for me is that now that I have stopped trying to lose weight, and simply manage weight, the understanding of food is changing in my life as well. I am beginning to learn to eat not because I have "points" or "calories" but whether or not I am hungry and listening to my body signals at this point. I have stopped calorie counting this past week and I am going to see how simply listening to my body moves and takes me. While this is not a new way of thinking, it should have been my way of thinking since my childhood; it is a new change for me. Knowing that I am working on fueling my body when it is hungry and the proper diet and nutrition for it, thanks to WW and Clean Eating lifestyle, Betsy and I watched a few documentaries this past weekend on food. One was SuperSize Me-gross! I haven't eaten fast food in 5 years and I am proud to say that I will never eat it again. If I ever am blessed with my own children, they will not eat it from me either. The other was FOOD, inc. I am now starting to phase in organic foods into my diet. I never gave organics or ethic and moral thoughts when it came to eating, yet these things are good to keep in mind. How do I see myself? Well, I am a premium model if I were a car, so if I would want a top performance, then I would need to fuel myself with such an item, this would look like premium products entering my body system. After seeing how chicken, pork and beef was processed, I am now committed to really think about what I eat and where it comes from. I have the bigger picture of myself but also the local agrarian society to help as well. Do I believe that I can make a difference on what products I consume and how I perform?

Finally, the bigger picture of love has been at play. "I would not wish any companion in the world but you." – William Shakespeare, The Tempest, Act 3, Scene 1. My cousin Sarah got married this past weekend. She fell in love with David Fransisco, the server at one of her favorite restaurants. David spoke no English, and Sarah no Spanish. Thus, like any good friend, her best friend went on the first date and interpreted for both of them. Four years later, they were married. It was a sweet ceremony in a traditional Catholic service and church followed by a reception at the Screenland Theaters in Downtown, KC, MO. Sarah was a lovely bride and David a handsome addition to the Graham family. I am excited to see her union but also challenged at the same time. I took the challenge as, stepping out of my box. Sarah and David did not let the barrier of a language stand in the way of their love. It was refreshing to see a couple who wanted to be together in spite of a barrier between them. I was inspired because they both saw that in the course of their lifetime which they will be creating together, they will have bigger challenges then language, but if they truly are committed to one another, then something as small as language is minor in the grand scheme of their lifetime together. (In case you were wondering, I caught the bouquet; I always manage to catch it at the Graham family weddings, first Laurie's back in 9^th grade, then Matt and Michelle's three years ago and now Sarah and David. I think there is a trend here…)

The Lovely Bride and Groom!
Dee-Dee, Myself, Trixie and Greta - My family of cousins from Jetmore, MO.

The good news is that I have the security now to know that my time currently is a gift without a husband and children. This gift has allowed me to travel, attend conferences and become the woman that I am transforming into. I am being sculpted into something special and I have a present to enjoy and it is up to me to enjoy it. Singleness may be something which is happening to me now, but when you really think about how 2/3 of ones life is spent with your mate and children, it is the 1/3 without that is the gift. Like many things in life, once the change has occurred, there is a ripple effect which may never retract. I have yet to have this ripple effect tossed into my pond, this is a gift because I can keep creating many innovations in the garden to which I tend. Keep the bigger picture in mind, the garden to which I tend and grow will always have something new to cultivate and plant. Do you see the bigger picture in mind?

Living a Life of Transparency…Redefining the Phoenix.

Needless to say, this was somewhat of a rough week for me. I heard the official NO from BCBS about surgery. The final verdict was that my skin did not hang low enough from weight loss to make it medically necessary for me to have the surgery. I felt punished for doing the right thing, the right way. I lost the weight, the healthy, lifestyle change way…and because I made a choice to do crunches and lift weights while losing, while I do have excessive amounts of skin, apparently, what toning I did was too much in their eyes. These were just some of the reasons which I read in part of the 60 page document on Tuesday night before just giving way to the tears that were encompassing my heart.

Wednesday was one of the hardest days of my life. I had to restart the day at 10:30 AM with my kiddos. I was NOT in a good place mentally…and my bad place was spreading like the Ebola virus in my room. We put on "fun" music and took two minutes to find our mental Disneyland and then took the day anew from there. While it was not perfect by any means, my students at least saw that when your dreams shut in your face, somehow, the very next day as an adult you have to pull on your work gloves and get back to life. I chose to get back on with life.

Obviously, as I have known all along, God has a different way to accomplish the work he wants to do in my life. My timeline and understanding is not my own and I have to learn that while I am in control of my classroom, HE is in control of my life…and I willingly give him that control. The issue comes on whether or not I have the faith to believe that my God is good, as he has always shown me to be, or do I doubt now? This is a security issue. I trust him in other aspects of my life, yet some areas still I struggle with…one of them is with…well, keep reading and as you already know, I keep no secrets and manage to tell no lies!

I attended a Women's retreat with Legacy Christian Church with Ashleigh and Katie at the Elms Resort in Excelsior Springs on Friday and Saturday. Two of the things which really struck my heart like a arrow to its target was that I have identified some security issues that I need to work through. I was able to see how I used to define myself, but now I need to redefine myself. One example would be with the weight…it really bothers me when people share my weight loss…let me clarify…I am constantly introduced or casually mentioned as, "This is Erin, and she lost 200 lbs without surgery!" I am again identified with the chains which held me in captivity for the past 27 years. There are many other sides to me; I am an avid chef, I love to read, I can make the elephant noise, I sing along to nearly everything, I love to dance, I can school anyone in an ice-cream eating competition, I love to drink coffee and complete artsy little projects like calligraphy, painting and scrapbooking. I think I can be rather whitty at times with one liners in the lounge, I can shove an entire cupcake in my mouth…and this is just a few. The main reason I feel this has been getting at me lately is I am embarrassed about it to a degree. I am embarrassed that yes; I was over 400 lbs at one point in my life. I also no longer want to be the "fat, nice, girl". BCBS as well as society has identified me as "obese" or "excessively large" my entire life. Now since BCBS has no more say in the matter, the scale seems to not be a defining factor in my life anymore. The only one who should care about the scale and what it says is me, and unfortunately, 27 years of being defined by a number screaming how fat you are has had a bit of a toll on me. I am sensitive about my weight; I think all Americans are, it is very consuming in our culture.

Another mask which I will reveal is that I struggle with…security in my appearance. I was nearly six foot in sixth grade and sporting a ladies size ten in third grade. I have never been "standard" by any means. To compensate for this flaw, I let my personality compensate for what my physical image was lacking. I have been known to have major body image anxiety some days due to the extra skin with the weight loss. A way in which it manifests itself is to break down into uncontrollable sobs in the fitting rooms of various stores because I hate the sight of my own body while trying on clothes….my mother and Betsy have seen it a few times and texting some girlfriends has happened when I feel an onset. ***I would like to point out that this is not because I do not like myself, but the excessive skin is that causing all clothing to lay very odd and if not wearing proper form fitting items can be frustrating, especially with dropping a size nearly every season for the past six years. *** It pains my heart to admit it in virtual pen into the word document.

I was knitted together in my mother's womb and fashioned with a purpose in mind by God before I even filled my lungs with my first breath. I am fearfully and wonderfully made in a reflection of radiance from heaven; yet I freak out over my dress size and weight more now than ever before. I guess this is good that BCBS denied me the surgery. This redefining this past week has now caused me to question my personal identity on a different level… "If the scale no longer defines who Erin is because health insurance has no more say, then how will you define yourself?" I am now seeking to redefine who the new Erin Meyer is.

The final mask is a biggie. I DO NOT have complete trust of God in the area of dating! I know that my heavenly father will provide for all my needs, make sure that I am fed and housed, but I have BIG DOUBTS when it comes to love. I feel like Sarah and Abraham when they were told that they would conceive, yet a baby never came…and they tried for many years…90 +! Sarah then took matters into her own hands and created major family sorrows by taking control herself rather then having faith. I have felt as though when I was severely obese no one ever asked because no one ever thought I would settle down. Now, it seems to be right after the…"ERIN?! OMG! YOU LOOK AWESOME! What have you been up to? You dating anyone?" I hate to say that this affects me, but it does. I have suddenly begun to feel immense pressure about it. Living in the Midwest where many of my friends are married by 22 years or 24 years of age seems to only magnify my "table for one" state. One of my greatest irks is when someone says after I mention that indeed, I am single, "Don't worry hun. It will happen when you least expect it." I was not worrying about it until you said something; I know I am complete without someone, but I feel external pressure to find someone.

What does any of this have to do with transparency? Well, the focus of the retreat was being a transparent Christian. Admitting that we do have faults and that many people like to send the image that they have their entire life all together. I DO NOT have it all together. Many days I wonder if I am even together! I want you to help me be accountable in my eating, weight loss journey and dating faith. I need to have you check on me to make sure that I am getting the rest I need, believing God and His word as well as taking the time to believe that the Lord created me special, even when all I see is extra skin.

The flip side was how we focus on keeping up with other people rather than embracing our strengths and talents which are unique to us because we want to focus on what we do not do well rather than excel at. I found this fascinating due to the point that I just finished reading Strength Finder 2.0 and identifying my top five strengths as a person as well as Gary Chapman's book, "The Five Love Languages for Singles." I now know how I interpret love and how I speak love to others. I am able to share my top five natural abilities and see how others can fit into the big picture with them.

What I think I need to do at this point is sit and talk through some of my struggles at this point. This is apparently a common issue for people with massive weight loss. If I never address the root cause of my anxiety, then no physical transformation will matter if mentally and spiritually I am still the same. Hence possibly why the Lord closed the door, he knew that I still have some changes to be made before becoming anew.