Needless to say, this was somewhat of a rough week for me. I heard the official NO from BCBS about surgery. The final verdict was that my skin did not hang low enough from weight loss to make it medically necessary for me to have the surgery. I felt punished for doing the right thing, the right way. I lost the weight, the healthy, lifestyle change way…and because I made a choice to do crunches and lift weights while losing, while I do have excessive amounts of skin, apparently, what toning I did was too much in their eyes. These were just some of the reasons which I read in part of the 60 page document on Tuesday night before just giving way to the tears that were encompassing my heart.
Wednesday was one of the hardest days of my life. I had to restart the day at 10:30 AM with my kiddos. I was NOT in a good place mentally…and my bad place was spreading like the Ebola virus in my room. We put on "fun" music and took two minutes to find our mental Disneyland and then took the day anew from there. While it was not perfect by any means, my students at least saw that when your dreams shut in your face, somehow, the very next day as an adult you have to pull on your work gloves and get back to life. I chose to get back on with life.
Obviously, as I have known all along, God has a different way to accomplish the work he wants to do in my life. My timeline and understanding is not my own and I have to learn that while I am in control of my classroom, HE is in control of my life…and I willingly give him that control. The issue comes on whether or not I have the faith to believe that my God is good, as he has always shown me to be, or do I doubt now? This is a security issue. I trust him in other aspects of my life, yet some areas still I struggle with…one of them is with…well, keep reading and as you already know, I keep no secrets and manage to tell no lies!
I attended a Women's retreat with Legacy Christian Church with Ashleigh and Katie at the Elms Resort in Excelsior Springs on Friday and Saturday. Two of the things which really struck my heart like a arrow to its target was that I have identified some security issues that I need to work through. I was able to see how I used to define myself, but now I need to redefine myself. One example would be with the weight…it really bothers me when people share my weight loss…let me clarify…I am constantly introduced or casually mentioned as, "This is Erin, and she lost 200 lbs without surgery!" I am again identified with the chains which held me in captivity for the past 27 years. There are many other sides to me; I am an avid chef, I love to read, I can make the elephant noise, I sing along to nearly everything, I love to dance, I can school anyone in an ice-cream eating competition, I love to drink coffee and complete artsy little projects like calligraphy, painting and scrapbooking. I think I can be rather whitty at times with one liners in the lounge, I can shove an entire cupcake in my mouth…and this is just a few. The main reason I feel this has been getting at me lately is I am embarrassed about it to a degree. I am embarrassed that yes; I was over 400 lbs at one point in my life. I also no longer want to be the "fat, nice, girl". BCBS as well as society has identified me as "obese" or "excessively large" my entire life. Now since BCBS has no more say in the matter, the scale seems to not be a defining factor in my life anymore. The only one who should care about the scale and what it says is me, and unfortunately, 27 years of being defined by a number screaming how fat you are has had a bit of a toll on me. I am sensitive about my weight; I think all Americans are, it is very consuming in our culture.
Another mask which I will reveal is that I struggle with…security in my appearance. I was nearly six foot in sixth grade and sporting a ladies size ten in third grade. I have never been "standard" by any means. To compensate for this flaw, I let my personality compensate for what my physical image was lacking. I have been known to have major body image anxiety some days due to the extra skin with the weight loss. A way in which it manifests itself is to break down into uncontrollable sobs in the fitting rooms of various stores because I hate the sight of my own body while trying on clothes….my mother and Betsy have seen it a few times and texting some girlfriends has happened when I feel an onset. ***I would like to point out that this is not because I do not like myself, but the excessive skin is that causing all clothing to lay very odd and if not wearing proper form fitting items can be frustrating, especially with dropping a size nearly every season for the past six years. *** It pains my heart to admit it in virtual pen into the word document.
I was knitted together in my mother's womb and fashioned with a purpose in mind by God before I even filled my lungs with my first breath. I am fearfully and wonderfully made in a reflection of radiance from heaven; yet I freak out over my dress size and weight more now than ever before. I guess this is good that BCBS denied me the surgery. This redefining this past week has now caused me to question my personal identity on a different level… "If the scale no longer defines who Erin is because health insurance has no more say, then how will you define yourself?" I am now seeking to redefine who the new Erin Meyer is.
The final mask is a biggie. I DO NOT have complete trust of God in the area of dating! I know that my heavenly father will provide for all my needs, make sure that I am fed and housed, but I have BIG DOUBTS when it comes to love. I feel like Sarah and Abraham when they were told that they would conceive, yet a baby never came…and they tried for many years…90 +! Sarah then took matters into her own hands and created major family sorrows by taking control herself rather then having faith. I have felt as though when I was severely obese no one ever asked because no one ever thought I would settle down. Now, it seems to be right after the…"ERIN?! OMG! YOU LOOK AWESOME! What have you been up to? You dating anyone?" I hate to say that this affects me, but it does. I have suddenly begun to feel immense pressure about it. Living in the Midwest where many of my friends are married by 22 years or 24 years of age seems to only magnify my "table for one" state. One of my greatest irks is when someone says after I mention that indeed, I am single, "Don't worry hun. It will happen when you least expect it." I was not worrying about it until you said something; I know I am complete without someone, but I feel external pressure to find someone.
What does any of this have to do with transparency? Well, the focus of the retreat was being a transparent Christian. Admitting that we do have faults and that many people like to send the image that they have their entire life all together. I DO NOT have it all together. Many days I wonder if I am even together! I want you to help me be accountable in my eating, weight loss journey and dating faith. I need to have you check on me to make sure that I am getting the rest I need, believing God and His word as well as taking the time to believe that the Lord created me special, even when all I see is extra skin.
The flip side was how we focus on keeping up with other people rather than embracing our strengths and talents which are unique to us because we want to focus on what we do not do well rather than excel at. I found this fascinating due to the point that I just finished reading Strength Finder 2.0 and identifying my top five strengths as a person as well as Gary Chapman's book, "The Five Love Languages for Singles." I now know how I interpret love and how I speak love to others. I am able to share my top five natural abilities and see how others can fit into the big picture with them.
What I think I need to do at this point is sit and talk through some of my struggles at this point. This is apparently a common issue for people with massive weight loss. If I never address the root cause of my anxiety, then no physical transformation will matter if mentally and spiritually I am still the same. Hence possibly why the Lord closed the door, he knew that I still have some changes to be made before becoming anew.
